Smash Of The Week II - Week 11

The living arboretum gets down to some Blood Bowl

Phillipe Flabbybun: Hello and welcome one and all to your latest instalment of Gridiron Futball, Smash of the Week! Not only is my ever present co-host Arni here with me this week, but we are also joined by M.A.D.s Head Record Keeper and Statistic Analyst, Professor Gerring Eeeeberheart. Am I pronouncing that correctly, Eeeeberheart?

M.A.D.s Head Record Keeper and Statistic Analyst, Professor Gerring Eeeeberheart: mmmmhmm, yes you are, fifth son of Louis Flabbybun Sr and, mmhmmm, the first player to score a touchdown by hiding the ball in a pasty.

Arnild Swoonzenorger: ...

Phillipe: Ah yes, the Pasty-Gate scandal. It wasn't really scandalous until Assistant Coach Gabby Scratchings tried to eat the pasty and the ball exploded in his mouth!

Arnild: ...What is this shrivelled, wrinkly, wretched husk of a man doing in my chair? Arnild has torn the ears from interns who dared to try and clean his leather, swivelly throne! I would leave you to dry into a piece of jerky in the Great Desert of Araby if I thought it would make any difference to your state of being!

M.A.D.s Head Record Keeper and Statistic Analyst, Professor Gerring Eeeeberheart, who insists we use his full name and title: mmhmmmm, Arnild Swoonzenorger, purger of the pointy eared, first and last to unravel the Great Mummy Amenparuiusaka, the holder of the record for most axes carried onto the field of play, mmmhhmmm, it is a pleasure to meet your aquaintance.

Arnild: Hah ha!! Tell me more old man, and I'll delay your forced departure from the studio!

Phillipe: We have a lot of Blood Bowl to cover, so whilst these two reminisce lets get into it!

The Weirdos Of Farthing Wood (3) - (1) Midgard Marvels

Tony Stark is distracted by the Weirdo's 'Sexy Tree'

Last season's 'Invincibles' lost their unbeaten record after the anticipated clash between the Marvels and Weirdos ended in a tree kin victory, with the human side seemingly letting their nerves get the better of them. That said, when facing down five of the most dangerous trogres to take to the Gridiron in some time who can blame them! The Weirdos took an early lead in the Marvel's opening drive after some shoddy ball handling in their back field left the human's defence wide open for a tree kin assualt, and the Weirdos maintained their pressure on the Marvel's offensive line for the rest of the half with a successful blitz taking the humans by surprise. The second half didn't start much better for the Marvels as the trogre blockers imposed themselves on the game, running in another two touchdowns with little the Marvels could do about it, their throwers failing even the simplest passes when they did manage to gather the ball! The humans did manage to claw a touchdown back towards the end of the affair but at that point a draw was never on the cards, and the Weirdos took all three points and top spot in the league.

The Wonders engage in what they hate the most; a scrum

Purple Wonders (1) - (2) The Royal Philharmonic Orchestra
Although they ended the game at a loss, the Wonders will likely be very happy to not have permanently lost any members of their roster in their game versus the noisest team on the league, the Orchestra, who in their own unique way paraded onto the pitch and deafened the entire stadium with their cacophony! The game was very cat and mouse, with the orks relentlessly pursuing the elfs as they dodged and danced away at every opportunity. Unfortunately for the Wonders though the ork pressure was enough to put them ahead in the end, and even though the elf team equalised the Orchestra went ahead once more after a particularly agile blitzer did his best elf impression, dodging past three of them and diving into the endzone to put the orks ahead once more. The game could have been drawn in the closing minutes of the match after an elf thrower spotted an unopposed ball and receiver, but after deftly dodging away from his mark the ball provided to slippery to collect (too much ork slobber, she bemoaned after the game) and the game ended with a two to one win to the Orchestra.

Runepitt Stealers (0) - (2) The Undercity Speedsters

Tight play between the Speedsters and Stealers

After the positive effects of Glart Smashrip in last week's tussle with the Marvels, Speedster fans would not have been criticised for approaching this game nervously after the star's contract had run out. As things turned out though, the Stealers were unable to apply their muscle effectively and the skaven ran out to their first win of the season! The Stealer's received in the first half during an onslaught of unrelenting and stinging rain which made picking up the ball even more difficult than usual for the chaos team. More so than this, the rain was so heavy that it completely saturated the ball carrier's tall hat, which promptly flopped forward and covering his face and hiding the gutter runner that had been stalking him! With a quick blitz the skaven sacked the carrier and the loose ball was collected by his fellow thrower, who displayed excellent vision to pick out another gutter runner up field and made the conversion, the play ending with the runner casually walking over the line flaunting the ball to the crowd. Chaos fans have fragile temperaments at the best of teams, but this display of disrespect sent them far over the edge and the ensuing riot spilled over onto the field, stunning half of both team's players in the process! Both sides fought for possession for the remainder of the half and the Stealer's bull centaurs came close to equalising, but the whistle for half end was blown just before they could get the ball over. The second half began with a new ref (after the other was found trampled to death in his dressing room) and the Speedsters receiving, and a very similar turn of events to that of the first, with the ball carrier being sacked early on. The ball squirted around the field for a long while before it was scooped up a gutter runner, who promptly sprinted up field, handed it off to another runner, who then ran the ball in for a second score. Despite a late pass attempt the game was beyond the chaos dwarfs and it ended two to nil, but with both teams still very much in play-off contention.

Nu Ork Jetz (2) - (0) Egg Chasers
Sometimes Nuffle smiles, or even winks at you, and then sometimes you are the Egg Chasers, and Nuffle instead turns her back and forgets you exist, as was the case this week in their game versus the ultra-violent Nu Ork Jetz, who were still on the war path from their decimation of the Crumbles last week. In what was a long and hard game for the rookie humans the Orks were full value for their win, laying out a comprehensive level of pain throughout the engagement from which the Bad Eggs were never really able to recover. Unfortunately a lot of our footage was lost from the game due to warp storms disrupting the network, but as chance would have it the only footage we received was that of an ork blitzer beating a human counterpart to death with his own hob-nailed boots!

The Jetz lay down their authority

Friendly - The Weirdos Of Farthing Wood (2) - (0) / (1) - (2) Rhubarb Crumbles
"The Largest Smallest Double-Header In History" is what this double of exhibition games between the Weirdos and Crumbles was broadly advertised as around the Moot and Farthing Wood, with the event quickly escalating into a week long food-fair and knees-up! All parties were in high spirits as the teams took to the Gridiron for their first game, with forest beasts and halflings mingling noisely in the stands in what pundits have called 'the least threatening crowd in the history of the game'. The Crumbles kicked off the first game and punted the ballkin (a specially grown and hardened pumpkin ball) deep into the Weirdos half, where the forest beasts made a hash of collecting it and allowing halflings to converge on their position. The ball was finally handed to a trogre who brazenly strode down the pitch towards the end zone, whilst halflings scattered out of his way, to put the first score down. The return Crumble drive never really got going, and even after they received in the second half the team still couldn't seem to get into gear. Luckily for the Mootfolk this was a friendly game and the opposition trogres never raised a fist in anger, throwing and pushing the 'flings about instead of dealing 'proper' tackles. Near the end of the second half the Weirdos managed to sack the Crumbles ball carrier and deliver it to a waiting trogre who dashed across the line for a second score.

As the first game came to a close the crowd and teams returned to the fair for a little while, to fill their stockings on important pre-game snacks and drinks, the later of which injured Crumbles striker Brad Worst had been doing all day. On being being forced to sit out the games due to injury Brad turned to the mead, and not just any mead; Captain Bastard's Murder Mead, the most volatile brew to appear from the Moot this season! As the teams emerged from their dugouts and back out onto the pitch for their second game, Brad decided in his drunken stupor that he was in fact fine to play, injury or not, and marched out onto the pitch to demand his inclusion in the line up. Little did he realise that in the process he had kicked the supports out from under the giant kegs containing the mead, which consequently flooded the entire pitch! The game began anyway, mead or not, and the Weirdos kicked off to the Crumbles this time round who efficiently collected the ball and drove it towards the half way line. Brad, still stumbling, boozy and angry, took his venom out on an unsuspecting runt before demanding the receipt of the ball and to be thrown down field. Although the throw by Hurelson was long and true, Brad fell asleep mid-flight and landed face-down on the flooded pitch, losing the ball. The Crumbles eventually bullied the ball back from the Weirdo's runts and scored their first touchdown of the day, with the Weirdos equalising before the break. As the game wore on the fumes from the mead was beginning to take its toll on the players with everyone visibly playing more sloppily, and especially treeman Adam Sandlewood who had clearly absorbed far too much of the liquid and turned out to be an angry drunk, dispatching five runts in quick succession! The game ended with a second Crumble score and almost an equaliser from the tree kin, but unfortunately the ball runner passed out mid-run before being swarmed by Crumbles to guarantee them the win.

Friendly - Chaos disUnited- 1 - 2 -Rhubarb Crumbles
Most Blood Bowl teams, no mater how large or small, have a die-hard following who will following their team around the entire Old World to cheer them on! In the case of Chaos disUnited though they probably wish their fans weren't so die-hard, not because they are the most dangerous, violent and nasty bunch of mutants and renegades in the entire league, but because they seem to hate their team so much and constantly turn on them when the smallest thing goes wrong (or even sometimes right)! The Crumbles slept of their nasty hangover on travelling to the wastes to play at the disUnited stadium and were ready and willing to play their third friendly when the kick-off whistle was blown. Receiving the kick from disUnited, the Crumbles identified their biggest threats (literally everyone on the other team, but mostly the three big guys) and directed both treemen to begin laying meaty blocks into their biggest players, which resulted in the removal of the chaos minotaur and ogre within the first few minutes. The Crumbles formed the famous 'Crumble Crust' manoeuvre in attempt to stave off a blitz on the ball carrier but after Sandlewood tripped on his own roots the 'cage' was exposed, and marauders poured in to try and turn the game into a mosh. Being tiny and slippery though, a couple of halflings managed to squirm free and score the first touchdown. On their first receiving drive disUnited assessed they didn't have enough time to score, and decided to revert to plan B; foul, foul and foul some more. After putting the boot in on a halfling and removing him from the pitch, the chaos team managed to dogpile treeman Woody Hurelson who's natural armour managed to weather the foul. Outraged by such dirty play in an exhibition game the Crumbles other treeman promptly picked up the renegade skaven player and tossed him into the noisy crowd, where he was immediately torn apart by his own fans! As the second half began the crowd had become inpatient with their teams performance and stormed the pitch, stunning most of their own players! This didn't stop disUnited pulling a score back though, only to be beaten at the death of the game by a thrown halfling touchdown.


Phillipe: Wow, I've gone a little horse after reporting on all those games!

M.A.D.s Head Record Keeper and Statistic Analyst, Professor Gerring Eeeeberheart: mmmhmm, Arnild, destroyer of the ugly, holds the record for the most horses, mmhmmmmmmmmm, eaten during a match, at six.

Arnild: Arnild was defecating hooves and mane hair for weeks, hah ha! More, more!!

Phillipe: I think I'll call it time there, g'night all!