Arnild Swoonzenorger: Tiny muffin man, tell Arnild this...
PF: Yes, Arni?
AS: Why in the name of Thort, god of broken bones and dislocated joints, is there is a pulsating, many limbed, multiple tentacled, constantly mutating mound of hairy flesh tossed over a chair like a throw at the end of the desk?
PF: Ah, yes, thanks for reminding me! Also in the studio today is our new team scout, Darid Krokenberg! 'He' will be providing us with cutting edge updates of the team's players and tactics across the season.
AS: You absurd wet cake of a stunty, this heap of skin looks and smells like Arnild's armpit after a day of tackle practise! How can it possibly report on anything other than it's own pitiful existence?!
PF: Although it's true that we signed Darid before he got caught up in the aftermath of the Chaos Cup game between two of Tzeentch's favourite teams, The Bad Bolts and Malitan Mutations, a game now referred to as 'Spawnfest '89' after each team illegally fielded eleven sorcerers, he is still able to provide us with valuable information... at least when he has an appendage able to grasp a quill or a mouth capable of common-speak, and not just daemon-tongue. Arni, stop poking him with the end of that axe!
AS: It ripples like a puddle! Arnild appreciates the Dark Power's sense of humour sometimes!
PF: Teams are beginning to trickle into the Middenland with the first fixtures only a few days away, and fans across the realm are being swept up in Blood Bowl hysteria! Some are also being swept up in plague, as The Cripplers of Contagion shuffle, crawl and squelch their way from the chaos wastes in search of favour from their foul lord. Travelling from a similar direction, but deliberately upwind, are Boraghs Dead Beats, whose route finds the team passing through dozens of stadium graveyards for impromptu 'recruitment sessions'. There are many familiar, and now decaying, faces in their roster, and we're looking forward to seeing them hit the gridiron once more! Speaking of familiar, the Middenheim Reformists are the only team returning from last season, but with an entirely new line up. Governor Karl Rott has found some more 'volunteers' to fill his ranks, with last year's roster either having been released, injured in prison brawls, or 'wrestled the noose' in the off-season.
The lure of plunder and glory (and plunder again) brings greenskins to the Middenland every year, and this season is no different, with five teams entering the division! Those that seem to be most interested in loot and mayhem are the Orcitects of Destruktion, who have stamped their way through scores of villages and hamlets! This may be coincidentally down to their stubborn route planning though, as they seem to be marching in a literal straight line and stomping on or through anything in the way. A team taking a far more scenic journey are the The Badlands Big Toof Tigers, as they circle about sporadically in a hysteria of music, chanting and irresistible enthusiasm! Three hundred and eighty two noise complaints have been registered by annoyed villagers so far, and the team hope to hit one thousand! Less offensive on the ear but more on the eye are The Tough Flamingos, whose coach, Kragg Kolorblynde, painted the kits an obnoxious pink in hopes of embarrassing his players into a violent rage!
We are also joined by some of the smaller greenskins who have sneaked their way in from the Badlands. The Bad Moon Misfits have travelled exclusively by night in an effort to adjust their 'cave vision' by the time they reach the Middenland. This has unfortunately resulted in forty five team and staff members (so far) going missing as they amble about in the darkness, an eventuality that their coach has said he purposely planned and hired for. A team that can't get lost in the dark though are The Bad Bananas, who literally glow yellow after their coach ordered the consumption of every mushroom in their cave. It's also had a... strange... effect on the team, causing them all to mutate into, well, you'll have to check out Smash of the Week to see that.
Darid, do you have anything to add?
Darid Krokenberg: HHDf
AF: ARRGGGHHH!! THE INSIDE OF MY EYES, THEY BURN IN HELLFIRE!!
PF: Darid, wrong mouth, we don't speak daemon! Sorry about that viewers.
I'll take this opportunity, whilst Arni is trying to floss his brain using an axe blade, to let you know that two elf teams will be joining us this season. We welcome the bright and shiny Ellyrion Cavalry to our shores, who after a long distance journey from Ulthuan are incredibly pleased to find that our facilities have surpassed their expectations, noting them as 'Not fit for swine, but we suppose it's the best you can provide.'. On hearing of the high elves arrival, the Balt Heimer Ravens have travelled from Naggaroth to bring their mortal enemies down a peg or two, and have gone on record to say that "Khaine will drown in the monsoon of blood to be spilled" - handy chaps to have around during a donor drive!
We finish with the most exotic offerings in the division, and two teams who have travelled in from the luscious jungles of Lustria. Our only Lizardman team sent their application chiselled into a stone slab, the carvings in an old, unspoken language consisting mostly of pictures of lizards and trees. Our translator has confidently told us that the team's name is Do you Skink he Sauros, although he's been known to have a 'wicked' sense of humour in the past. In a blinding blue flash the entire Xlanhuapec Jump team and staff just 'appeared' in our offices one day to hand their papers in, causing an intern who shared space and time with a Kroxigor to turn inside out, the office cat to gain the power of flight, and twelve staff members to go blind for a month. Teleportation has subsequently been banned in or out of M.A.D. Towers.
And that's everyone! I'd ask Darid his opinions, but it appears Arni has kicked him and got both feet stuck in several of his mouths.
AS: Arnild will stop you ever making that noise again! My bladed friend would like to AXE you a question! HARHAR, get it? Arnild's bladed friend is an axe! Time to become Pâté, hell-spawn!
PF: Err, until next time folks... Arni, no, he's under contract! Get your foot out off th...
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