Arnild Swoonzenorger: ...just one minute, you inpatient toad...
PF: As snow falls heavily across a very frosty Middenland, our first week of fixtures showed us what M.A.D. is all about, with intelligent offensive plays timed to perfection, devastating blocks rife, an-
AS: FINISHED!! HAHA, isn't he wonderful, my pot-bellied friend!
PF: ...Arni, is that a snowman?
AS: You bet your insignificant behind! The snow reminds Arnild of home- ripe and sticky blood puddings, slushy skull-puppies, and most of all, snowmen! Did you know that Arnild was a champion snowman builder in his youth? The fresh fall was too inviting, but the pig-hound of a director would not allow me to miss the show to cavort in Oreck's dandruff, so I had an intern bring it to me!
PF: He's very nice, but it's in the middle of the studio! Also, why is the snow turning red?
AS: Arnild cannot tell if you are being sarcastic or not? Obviously, all authentic Nordic snowmen are red, stained by the blood of the torso we use as a mannequin. How else do you think it could support such a magnificent pose, and hold that axe?!
PF: Ergh, yes, of course... Let's look at last week's games.
Do you Skink he Sauros (3) - (1) Middenheim Reformists
Governor Karl Rott was fuming with his team following the defeat to the Lizards, slamming their ball skills and ability to take a punch from "some scaly creeps, who don't know their tails from their arseholes". Pundits have criticised Rott after the a document showing team's spending on armour were published, with the Inmates the very bottom of the list by a fair margin! When asked his...her... their opinion on Rott's remarks, coach Karma Chameleon stared unblinking at the reporter for three full minutes, before catching a fly from the air with its tounge, munching it down and leaving the interview.
As it was the Lizards always seemed to be a step ahead of the Inmates, who began the game by targeting their quickest players and forcing them from the field before running in a score. There were murmurs of a false start at the beginning of the second half by the Lizards (or rather, screams of one from the Reformists' dug outs), but after a sharp look at the referee from the kroxigor Stu-Pied play continued and allowed the Lizards to knock down the receiver and run a second touch down in. Do you Think he Sauros converted a third touchdown deep into the second half, before the Inmates pulled back a consolation score in the dying seconds of the game.
Boraghs Dead Beats (2) - (0) The Cripplers of Contagion
In what was originally planned to be a friendly game to shake the rust off (literally) both teams, the smack talk between the two coaches escalated dramatically when Boragh the Unfathomable said the Cripplers were "rotten gas balls, incapable of the game mastery my professionals can deliver. Frankly, we would embarrass them in a truly competitive environment". Although no one was particularly surprised by Boragh's completely baseless arrogance, it sparked an unrepeatable rant from the Cripplers coach, mostly because he was particularly phlegmy on the day and no one could understand him, which ended up with the game changing to a league affair and nearly twenty thousand tickets being sold in anticipation of the event!
Sadly, fans were left a little disappointed after both teams evidently needed that training game, after inflicting no casualties at all on each other! In fact the highlight of the day came from the crowd, after one grossly bloated Cripplers fan got so angry his enormous gut punctured and exploded, spilling gallons of putrescent, green bubbling liquid onto the pitch. This halted play whilst the groundskeepers attempted to sweep it into the sewers, a task which proved to be difficult as the brooms kept dissolving in the bile. The two touchdowns both came from the Dead Beats, one from a pacey running play and another from the well balanced wight Eoin Killian, who picked himself of the floor to dodge away from a rotter, punch another out and sprint to collect the ball and score!
Xlanhuapec Jump (2) - (0) The Tough Flamingos
Most orcs tend to be creatures of habit, sticking to a routine of eating, fighting and sleeping, and a break in their routine can befuddle some greenskins. This rule goes for orcs who play Blood Bowl too, and the Birds couldn't seem to grasp the unusual movement of their opposition from the time they bounded onto the pitch until the moment they bounced off it! As the frogmen jumped about the gridiron The Tough Flamingos were grasping at shadows, becoming increasingly frustrated as the Xlanhuapec Jump players leapt over the orcs with glee. Although the greenskins managed to catch and send a couple of their opposition to the injury table, the high energy game saw the slann win the game with two touchdowns and no response.
Interestingly, this game featured the most leaps successfully made for a decade in pro-Bowl! The record for unsuccessful leaps is still held by the goblin team The Pinchgrip Pogos, who's attempt to use warp powered pogo-sticks resulted in sending the entire roster up beyond the clouds, never to be seen again.
Ellyrion Cavalry (2) - (1) The Badlands Big Toof Tigers
Another orc squad who had a similarly hard time against a high energy team were the Tigers, who paid the price for sleeping on the job at kick off, after the Calvary dashed into their half on the whistle and managed to catch the ball they kicked! Tigers coach Fran Chize angrily accused the Cavalry off spiking their pre-game branded sports drinks ("High Impact Juice - The juice for brutes!), which the elf coach readily agreed to, and didn't understand Chize's anger as "The referee was paid the ample wage for such subterfuge.". The juice seemed to have an opposite effect on the Tigers' troll however, who was keen and alert for the entire game!
By the time the orks had woken from their stupor, the elves had run into a two score league. Although the smelling fungus were was liberally administered at half time, with the greenskins waking and carving a hole through the Cavalry line to march a touchdown back, the second goal never materlised leading to Ellyrion Cavalry's first win of the season.
Balt Heimer Ravens (0) - (2) Two Blocks Don't Make A Wight (Friendly)
Although travelling in from a considerably further destination the Ravens were made to wait for their first opponents to arrive, much to the disappointment and misery of the waiting fans. By the time the Wrong'uns took to the pitch a third of the crowd had been lined up and sacrificed to Khaine, a ceremony which took place due in equal parts to devotion to their god and boredom.
The Druchi could have perhaps done with sacrificing a few more hundred of the crowd however, as the first friendly of the season saw the undead team run out winners. Pundits believe that the ability to 'soak up all the blood on the pitch' is what pushed it in the Wrong'uns favour, with their bandages and old fabrics absorbing vast quantities off the liquid! This did of course slow them down a little, but with the Ravens slipping about in all their varnished leathers it made little difference.
Arni, considering how moist and sticky the floor has become, I presume this is a fresh 'mannequin'?
AS: Your presumption is correct. I promised Olaf the intern a spot on the show for his help in bringing the snow to me, and Arnild always delivers on his promises. By Ghrag's knuckle hair, he's beginning to melt already, always go cold blooded Arnild, you know this. You, open those windows and help me shift this! CAREFUL WITH HIM, YOU DROOLING CRETIN!
Phillipe, do you want to build a snowman?
PF: Not right now Arni... I think that's a wrap, g'night folks!
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