Smash Of The Week - Week 13 Round Up

G-G-J  carries the ball forward
for The Breakers

Phillipe Flabbybun: ...but if all the Cougars were with you, why didn't you say something?

Arnild Swoonzenorger: It is customary in Arnild's culture for a man to sharpen his own axe collection, and not have the help of a maiden, or team of maidens-

Phillipe: Oh, we're on?! Hello and welcome to Smash Of The Week! You join us for not just two friendlies, but also two important league games tonight! How important you ask? Well, four teams have now finished their six league games, and we also have our North division play-off spots practically confirmed! As we have a lot to get through let's dive straight in...

Nagash Nightmares (1) vs (2) Nighthawks

Nighthawks fly by The Nightmares

The draw last week between Nagash Nightmares and Furham Athletic confirmed the The Nightmares would sadly not be able to secure a play-off place this season, but Nighthawks had it all to play for. If results went their way in the game between The Breakers and Furs they were still in with a chance of sneaking into second place ahead of the Dwarf unit! This match however wasn't a total dead rubber for The Nightmares though, with them and Nighthawks drawn for the most casualties caused so far this season! As most predicted, the game turned out to have more casualties than touchdowns, with both teams inflicting three casualties a piece, and the Ghoul Limbsplitter dying in the operating room. We're not exactly sure how you sure how you kill something which is already dead-

Arnild: You chop it into tiny pieces, so small that the damned beast could not be pieced together by its infernal puppet master, hahah!

Phillipe: Well, sure, that's one way Arni! After the carnage subsided Nighthawks snatched a two to one win, but was it enough to secure a play-off spot?

Bar'Dhum Breaker (1) vs (0) Furham Atheltic
Unfortunately for Nighthawk fans their win was not enough, after the vengeful Breakers won a rather unorthodox one-nil victory. After kicking to the rats, the Dwarfs, odds beyond odds, managed to catch their furry foes flat footed and the rage-fueled slayer that is Olaf Thunderboast pilled his way into the Skaven line before they even realised what was happening! For the rest of the half the Dwarfs managed to keep Furs to one side of the pitch and turn it into a scrum which suited the stunty men. Seeing an opening on the other side of the pitch, thrower Scree Thorber saw an opening and attempted a pass to Urznak Dripfang who was just yards away, but got caught up in his own tactics and failed the attempt! This allowed the Dwarfs to apply pressure on the ball, and although Urznak collected the skin he ended up stumbling on an old, bleached rib-cage, and Kurn Barnstormer managed to pick up the loose ball (after four failed attempts from Harrat Mountainside!) and end the half in possession. The second half started as you would expect, with Dwarf runner and pro body-builder G-G-J collecting the ball and The Breakers caging their way to Furs endzone. In an audacious run that will be talked about for days (the memories of Blood Bowl fans are notoriously short) Urznak managed to dodge past three Dwarfs, and under pressure knock the mountain that is G-G-J down, before collecting the ball and attempting a throw! I mentioned earlier that the nature of this win was rather unorthodox, and it came from the Gutter Runner pitching the ball a little (a fair amount) low and allowing a Dwarf interception, which was strolled over the line! The Breakers aren't home and dry in for a play-off spot however, and will need to win their last game to potentially stop being over-taken by I've Got A Woodie.

The half-successful Goblin toss

London Warps (4) vs (0) Nu Ork Jetz [Friendly]
The Touchdown Train steams along! Warps fans have come to expect a veritable horde of touchdowns when their team plays, and the pale cave Skaven never seem to disappoint. Nu Ork Jetz shouldn't take their loss to heart though, as they were playing a team of greater value and it was, after all, only a friendly. The Skaven started strongly with their Gutter Runner play, and try as The Jetz might they were just never able to get a hold of the vermin. Particular Highlights from this match include Roger the ROgre attempting a block on a Goblin, only to discover that the gobbo had placed a Gobblin-esque puppet on its tail, which resulted in Roger eating half his own tail and leaving the pitch in total confusion. Another tiny Greenskin was tossed deep into the Warps half after Jetz headcoach, Graz De Great, lost patience with his teams running game. The throw could be deemed as fairly successful, as Urrg the Troll decided to not eat his miniature teammate, but unfortunately the Goblin landed face first and allowed the Skaven to collect the ball comfortably.

A Gutter Runner sneaks past the Dwarf line up

Orocarni Stiffbeards (1) vs (1) The Undercity Speedsters [Friendly]
Word on the gridiron is that The Undercity Speedsters are still playing games as they owe a wad of
gold to the Play'Erz Azzosiation of Wi'ked Skaven (PAWS) for supplying a number of linerats throughout the duration of the season, after the unfortunate number of injuries they have suffered! Whether this is true or not, they took to the field to play The Stiffbeards, who are currently siting at the top of the South Division. The Skaven won the coin toss and decided to kick, and as many would have expected the Dwarfs packed into their cage formation, now nicknamed 'The Steam Engine', and clobbered their way to The Speedsters end zone to score near the end of the first half. The Skaven lined up to get the ball to Barry and try to get a last minute touch down, but the Dwarfs managed to react to the whistle a fraction more quickly and knocked the rat out, consigning the Skaven to huddling in their own half and securing the ball. With the stuntys kicking in the second half, The Speedsters kept the ball deep and waited patiently for an opening to make a run. The opening came when The Stiffbeards back line lost concentration whilst cheering on Merrytoe, as he strangled a rat to its end with his beard! The players began their trot back to the line of scrimmage for the return kick, but the game took a turn for the worse after the referee sent of Glorizzak Steelbuster for driving a Death Roller during the drive. The Dwarf took this decision rather personally and although he performed the order as instructed, the path he took to the locker room was directly over the referee. With this the arena exploded into a whirlwind of violence and Skaven began to surge into the Dwarf stands and on to the pitch, and were told to leave, in a rather aggressive fashion, by the bearded fans. With fifteen minutes remaining on the clock the fourth official called the end of the game from the safety of a crystal ball in his wagon home.

Arnild: A true orgy of violence that Ghurm The Many Skewered himself would be proud! These are the days that Blood Bowl shows itself as the greatest sport in the Old World!

Phillipe: Too right Arni! And that's all we have time for this week viewers. Join us next week for more gridiron carnage!

So, Arni, can I help you sharpen your axe collection?

Arnild: Small, fat friend, we may be close, but I am not that type of Beserker.