Arnild Swoonzenorger: Arnild is wearing this season's M.A.D. cheerleader replica uniform, also available with red and blue bunches.
Phillipe: Well, I, umm...
Arnild: When flicking my winnings into the eyes of Churle Chastey last week, Arnild may have become a little too enthusiastic and managed to lodge a gold piece into the curs left eye socket.
Phillipe: Oh boy. I'd wondered why Mr Chastey had been wearing that eye patch, I thought he was going for a Dawid Boyie look.
Arnild: On attempting to reclaim my winnings from the whinging dogs eye, Arnild... accidentally... popped the eye from it's socket, which has since been removed by the staff apothecaries. Arnild is now forced by the scumoftheoldworldworsethanelfs lawyers to either give a sum of gold equal to his winnings to the half-sighted wretch, or follow a series of childish demands. The jokes on you though Churle, I ate your eye, sucking the jelly from it's opaque skin, and Arnild still has your gold, Hah ha!!
Phillipe: Um. Yes, right. With teams now turning up in the Middenland in their droves after last week's blizzard stalled travelling in and around the Empire, a loose band of organisation is settling in and game numbers are beginning to increase. In addition to our usual Friday night instalment we had some mid-week matches take place, so without further ado let's get on with it!
Midgard Marvels (3) - (0) The Royal Philharmonic Orchestra
After last week's derby versus the Nighthawks, the Marvels were looking to kickstart their season proper and make up for last years disappointment of missing out on a playoff spot by the smallest of margins. As fate would have it this kickstart came whilst the Marvels were passing through the town of Leighart to training, and their interests were piqued by the most ferocious din ever to assault their ear drums! It turned out the Philharmonic Orchestra were in town and bellowing out their team anthem, and on spotting the Marvels head coach Andag Loins-Webber raced over to challenge them to a game of Blood Bowl!
As it turned out, Royalz game plan was much like their anthem; loosely organised, loud and aggressive, but with a very improvised ending, and the Marvels took full advantage of this in their three-to-nothing win. Thor started as nervously as he finished his last game, fumbling the ball initially before recovering to throw a touchdown to one of his many catching options. As Royalz received and began to march their way up the pitch, singing all they way, they left their cage a little loose which allowed The Marvels to exploit the space, sack the ball carrier and score once more just before half time. The second half started in a mirror to the end of the first, with Royalz forming their theatrical cage, but this time over extending themselves and once again allowing the human team to nip in, retrieve the ball and convert. The game should have ended at four-nil, but after receiving a spectacular pass Tony Stark celebrated his score early, losing his concentration and footing, and tumbled metres from the end zone with the game whistle ringing in his ears!
Nighthawks (3) - (1) Middenheim Reformists
There's three things you can almost guarantee when you go to watch the Nighthawks play; lots of violence, lots of touchdowns and lots of snow, and in their game against the newly drafted Middenheim Reformists all three were on display in abundance! In eerily similar conditions to last week's draw against the Midgard Marvels, Nighthawk's home stadium was once again lost in a flurry of ice, creating very difficult conditions for playing. Conditions so difficult in fact, that one of The Inmates' catchers slipped during play and literally broke his neck!
With playing 'futball' not an option in the furious blizzard, both teams instead used each other to vent their stresses and proceeded to batter their adversaries to a pulp, staining the white pitch red. By the time the first score had been made deep into the first half the storm had begun to pass, and as proper visibility returned it was established that only three Inmates and nine Nighthawks players were left standing! With the pitch still icy on the Middenheim Reformists receipt of the ball they managed to use this to their advantage, and slip past the Nighthawks to bring the score level for before half time. As the second half got underway the sun had come through, melting the pitch and allowing players to catch their footing once more. In the case of a Nighthawks blitzer however, this meant he was able to get hold of an Inmates catcher and put the boot in, ending the poor man's life on the gridiron. With a lack of bodies now standing between Nighthawks and their oppositions endzone, they cruised to two more scores before the end of the game, giving The Inmates a welcome to the league that they won't forget in a hurry.
Strigany Surge (1) - (1) Belogrod Beards
The start of the game between these two newcomers in the league was a curious one indeed, with kick-off being delayed by five hours due to the vampire team refusing to play unless "The lighting was correct, as to cast the desired mysterious shadows across their handsome faces". Most teams would have picked up and left after such a delay, but luckily for The Ballsuckers their dwarf opponents were more stubborn than most and hung about for the game, using the downtime to practise their ale speed guzzling technique.
Eventually kick-off took place at exactly midnight, under the light of a full moon, and with a half-asleep crowd murmuring their excitement the ref blew her whistle and play finally started! The crowd who had decided to stay witnessed a fairly grindy affair which ended in a one-a-piece draw. The most exciting moment of the game was a block dished out by Constantin the thrall, who managed to kill a Troll Slayer with a steak he had hidden up one of his sleeves!
Friendly - Orocarni Stiffbeards (1) - (0) The Weirdos Of Farthing WoodRumour has it that the Weirdos headcoach, Ate-a-ham Van Halfling, has an outstanding bet payment to the league commissioner, which may have resulted in this rather unfavourable match-up against last seasons runners up, the Orocarni Stiffbeards.
Even the least knowledgeable Blood Bowl fun could have predicted the violence which was bound to take place between the dwarf veterans and hopeful rookies, and with both teams forgetting about the ball for a while they got stuck into each other, literally for the cases of some of the dwarfs blocks on runts! Other than the injury to Thrargat Granitebelly (who made a miraculous recovery after being half-drowned in a keg of Dr Stoutheart's Recovery Ale) it was a half in which the Dwarfs came out on top, stomping numerous runts and gaining the numerical advantage. The Stiffbeards received in the second half and, as expected, caged around the ball and eventually ground out a score, despite the Weirdos best efforts to break the cage by using their runts as living ammunition!
Friendly - The Weirdos Of Farthing Wood (1) - (2) Runepitt Stealers
Apparently complete gluttons for punishment, or perhaps tied to a very demanding sponsorship deal, the Weirdos took to the pitch the very next day against their previous opponents chaotic cousins, the Runepitt Stealers for a friendly game; well, as friendly as Blood Bowl can ever get!
In a mirror of many of the week's matches the game became very violent, very quickly, and turned into another grind that both sets of fans roared on in approval. The Weirdos looked good value for money in the first half after receiving, and steadily worked their way up the pitch whilst bowling Stealers over, but unable to cause any real damage. For their part the chaos dwarfs seemed perfectly content to just hammer runts and ignore the ball, allowing the Weirdos to score their first touchdown of the season. As the second half began the chaos dwarfs began to turn up the heat, perhaps after receiving the hairdryer treatment at half-time, and blocked their way past the fatigued Weirdos to two touchdowns. In an attempt to score a last minute touchdown for the draw, a rather un-willing runt had a ball stuffed down it's gullet and was thrown towards the Stealers's endzone by an eager ogre, aiming for the spectacular. Although the spectacular was achieved, it wouldn't have been what the ogre had hoped for, as he 'skied' the runt and sent it hurling out of the stadium as the whistle blew for game end.
Phillipe: And there we have it, what a week! We won't see many much more violent that that, with a total of twenty three casualties being inflicted, not including the ones that The Weirdos caused to their own team! What do you say to that Arni?
Arnild: Give Arnild an E! Give Arnild a Y! Give Arnild one more E! What do you have? An Eye! Or in your case Churle, you don't, Hah hah hah!!
Phillipe: G'night, and see you next week!
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