Smash Of The Week III - Week 2/3

Phillipe Flabbybun: Hello and welcome sports fans! You join us for the next instalment of Smash of the Week, the bloodiest highlight real on Cabalvision! I'll be half of your hosting team tonight, sharing the task with Ar-

Arnild Swoonzenorger: *PPPEERRPPPPEERGH GHHTTHHH PPPEERGGHHTHH THHHGHHH*

PF: ...

AS: Arnild was informed last week that the pox-ridden vermin who watch this show loved his Nordic traditions, so Arnild has brought the music of his clan with him tonight- the Bladder-Pipe! By sucking through this pipe which has been jammed into a Ice Gurghen's bladder, and simultaneously squeezing it between your legs, the distinctive tones of the ventricles flapping and squealing produce the unique, piercing tones.

PF: ...

AS: Arnild must admit, it takes some getting used to. As does the taste of sucking up old bladder air through a pipe.

PF: Arni, I. love. it. You must play me more after the games!


The Bad Bananas (1) - (1) The Tough Flamingos
--Warning--You may wish to adjust the brightness of your crystal ball for the upcoming segment-- The Bananas and Flamingos took to the Gridiron in the only match of Week 2, in what is the gaudiest game of futbowl I have ever witnessed! The pitch positively hummed neon as both sets of players lined up opposite each other, waiting for the whistle to begin the game. As the game began it was clear that both teams were rusty, or perhaps blinded by each other, as mistake after mistake marred the game. Orcs pushed their smaller kin about instead of knocking them down, fanatics wheeled off into empty spaces, and at one point a goblin tripped and broke his neck after being spooked by his own shadow! It's a miracle that between all the chaos The Bad Bananas scored, after Gary the doom diver scooped up the ball, ordered himself thrown by a troll, and swooped over the line.

The Flamingos started stronger in the second half, after coach Kragg Kolorblynde bashed a few heads together at half time, and the orc team stomped down the pitch to pull a goal back. In fact, they could have ended up winning the game if the ball carrier hadn't been distracted by a particularly noisy bird flying overhead at the time, causing him to not see the ditch and stumble just shy of the endzone as the full time whistle was blown.

The Badlands Big Toof Tigers (1) - (1) - Do you Skink he Sauros (Friendly)
The start of the game between the Tigers and Lizards was delayed after several barrels of 'Squeek-B-Gon' armour grease spilled out onto the pitch from the orc dugout, knocked over during their rapturous pre-game chants and dancing! Lizard's coach Karma Chameleon seemed to accuse the orcs of foul-play whilst the clean up was on going, but as the ref' couldn't understand any of the sauros' grunts or chirps kick-off went ahead. The game started very evenly, both teams probing for space and gaps in their opponents lines but finding very little give. The Tigers defensive line were the first to blink however, when a skink manage to navigate his way through the green wall by sliding on his knees between a black orcs legs and ran the ball in for a touch down. The orc side almost managed to pull one back before the break, but the tiny lizards were too quick and gang-tackled the receiver before he reach the end zone.

The second half saw more holes appear in both team's lines as players began to leave the pitch, which allowed space for the Tigers to run forward once more but reach the end zone this time, after a skink slipped in a particularly greasy patch of grass. That part of the gridiron turned out to be a game-changer after the ball landed in the patch on kick-off, soaking itself in the grease, and becoming seemingly impossible to collect! Several attempts were made to gather the ball but each time it popped up and out from the Lizard's grasp, leaving the game at an even one-one draw.

Ellyrion Cavalry (0) - (3) Boraghs Dead Beats (Friendly)
Sometimes teams push the term 'friendly' to the very edge of it's meaning, and other times they break the word completely, and this is what Boraghs Dead Beats accomplished in their game versus Ellyrion Cavalry. The game started as a tight affair, with the Dead Beats receiving but being outmanoeuvred on their preferred wing, forcing them to switch play to the other side of the pitch. The Cavalry kept tight to the undead menace and stifled their opponents play, until disaster struck in the form of a full moon! As the beaming orb appeared from behind a dark cloud, the werewolf Osiah Osburn took a turn for the feral and disembowelled a line-elf in a fit of lunar rage, and stormed the ball into the end zone howling all the way!

The high elves had also had a couple of players knocked out during the course of the first drive, and the numbers advantage began to play into the Dead Beats hands. Each time a Cavalry receiver broke free they would run into a werewolf, which forced the ball carrier into a running drive, and straight into a wall of rotten flesh. This allowed the Dead Beats to turn the ball over and score again at the death of the first half. Ellyrion Cavalry, now down to nine players after another casualty, continued to admirably persevere, but the extra men continued to cause big issues and after the second elf fatality Boraghs Dead Beats scored their third and saw out the game with a clean sheet.

Do you Skink he Sauros (3) - (1) The Cripplers of Contagion
Although it was their second game within three days the Lizards showed no sign as fatigue, as they ran out three to one winners against new bloods, The Cripplers. Reports from the DYSHS camp showed that after the greasy fiasco against The Tigers, the team had been ordered to sharpen their claws and sand-paper their palms to ensure grip would not be an issue again! In a what was a fairly one sided affair, the nurgle side struggled to keep up with the sheer pace of their foes, and still haven't quite got the knack of how to break their opponents armour, causing only a single casualty much to their fans (and Gods) displeasure!


What was the name of the song you played earlier?

AF: It is named 'Quest For The Unsullied Goat', and is one of our most sensual, romantic tunes. Now, Arnild will perform 'The Ode Of The Unexpected Rump Rumble', a ditty with a bit more of a kick...

*PPPEERGGHHEPPEGGH PAAHAHHHH HHAPPEOEEEEGGGGGHHHHHH PAAAGGGGEEOOOOOHHHHH MMMMMMM...*