Smash Of The Week III - Week 6

Phillipe Flabbybun: Hello and welcome, carnage fans! You join us once more for a jam packed Smash of the Week, where we'll be running through the best scores and most debilitating tackles. I am Phillipe, and here with me in the studio is Arni! What a week ehy Arni, did you enjoy it? And may I add, what a lovely jersey you have on today, with a rather eye-catching logo. I must say, it's very strange to see you wearing a top! I believe the colour is 'Disembowelment Red'?

Arnild Swoonzenorger: Arnild hates this thing, it restricts his axe swing and chafes his mighty nipples.

PF: That's, well, something. It's information, that's what it is... Anyway, I said Arni, did you enjoy last week's games?

AS: What?! Oh, yes, that thing the latrine-breathed, scrotum cheeked marketing team are forcing us to do. Where'd I put that note... hm... "Yes, I did enjoy them Phillipe, but not as much as I enjoy a fresh, warm can of Blood-Thirst, now available in Red Mist flavour for a limited time only". Arnild refuses to drink this filth, is he done? Can Arnild rip this scratchy, garbage sack of a garment off yet?! Who even drinks this sewage, there is no substitute for real blood! Did you just finish that can, dinky-fling?!

PF: MhmMm, delicious. And the aftertaste is so unique and... metallicy. I'll give you all a second to crack open a can of Blood-Thirst before we look at this week's games!


Balt Heimer Ravens (2) - (2) Orcitects of Destruktion
In a battle of brawn versus agility, this game had something on offer for every viewer; violence, touchdowns, flying goblins, and elves falling flat on their face! After failing to track the Ellyrion Cavalry and settle the grudge match the Ravens had travelled to Middenheim for, they accepted the game offer from the Destruktors to keep their wits (and blades) sharp. As for the orcs, the chance to stomp a druchi into the astro-turf can never be turned down!

The greenskin team received for the first drive of the game after winning the coin toss, attempting to make their mark on the elven line up early. Although they weren't able to effectively put the boot in and cause any injuries, the Destruktors took an early lead after rushing their way towards and into the Raven end zone to go one nil up. The dark elf side took little time to respond, using their dexterity to dance around their opponents and cartwheel into the orc endzone to equalise on the whistle for half time. Continuing their energetic performance into the second half, the Ravens applied the infamous dark elf running game, their two blitzers poking holes in the Destruktors lines just big enough for an elf to squeeze through and score their second touch down. Sensing they would need to score quick in order to get something from the game, coach Grog Bigrukk screamed at Ned, the orc troll, to launch the ball carrying goblin up the pitch. Incredibly his threats to stop feeding the mountain of muscle worked, and Ned flung the ball carrier gobbo pefectly, who then proceed to run in the equaliser! With only minutes left on the clock, Ravens captain Rey Lewis saw her name in stars and attempted a daring run deep into the Destruktor half to score the winner. After a deft display of jinking, vaulting, rolling and cartwheeling, sadly one of her leather strips fell round her ankles and she tripped just before the end zone, causing the game to finish as a draw.

The Tough Flamingos (2) - (0) Blockheads
Ogre teams are one of the great sights of Blood Bowl, a team marrying the ogres inerrant strength and malice together with their unbridled stupidity, which always creates a spectacle in one way or another! This week saw the Blockheads take the gridiron for their first league outing, and were up against The Tough Flamingos who finally managed to break their duck and run out convincing winners. It wasn't so much that the orc team played with any more tenacity or ferocity than usual, but more that their team colours turned out to be a 'calming' colour for the ogre line up, none of which had apparently seen that shade of pink before and spent most of the game starring gormlessly at their oppositions armour.

The Flamingos received for the start of the first half and pushed tentatively into Ogre territory, trying to keep at arms reach wherever possible. This wasn't helped when Bug, their troll, was distracted by an incredibly rude and jaunty jive performed by a couple of the Blockhead runts. This also accidentally caused a few ogres to lose attention too, allowing the greenskins to start picking off their tiny opposition! As the game progressed the ogres failed to wake up (literally in some cases!) and the relentless tide of pink proved too much for those paying attention to the game, with the orc team winning two to nil and securing their first victory of the season.

Boraghs Dead Beats (3) - (1) The Badlands Big Toof Tigers (Friendly)
This week's friendly pitched the franchise with the noisiest fans against the team with the most violent followers, a game for which bookies refused to take bets on being 'a quiet one'! As the fans took to the stands it was quickly apparent that the undead fans outnumbered the greenskins two to one, and from the offset the Dead Beats' fans began to get rowdy and complain that they would have no one to fight during the game! Kick off began with the orcs receiving and consolidating into a mid-field cage, which the Dead Beats countered by feeding it zombies, causing the cage to grind to a halt and break down into a chaotic scrum. Although the Dead Beats came out on top in the melee, the greenskin thrower managed to squirm free and hammer a pass to a waiting blitzer, who ran the ball home to score the first touch down. Whilst the teams took up positions to start the next drive carnage began to boil over in the stands, as the Tigers fans became tired of their oppositions chanting and rushed into the Dead Beats terraces! Once the riot subsided the Dead Beats finally began their drive, pushing forward quickly in a fluid cage fronted by the werewolf Darrid Kezzler, who was in 'full murder mode' that night. The drive and half ended with a Dead Beat touchdown, put perhaps more importantly Big Blue, the troll, was punched out and couldn't return to the pitch!

The second half saw the reanimated team receive and a high kick allowed a werewolf to bite the ball out of the air and dart up the right flank. The Tigers were running low on numbers by this point and had to commit to the play, prompting the quicker opposition players to switch wing whilst their zombies tied up the orcs. After an admirable effort to take down the ball carrier by a goblin, the Dead Beats were just too fast and they ran in their second touchdown midway through the half. As the teams lined up once more a screaming skull (literally screaming, apparently a disagreement between two fans resulted in this boney chap's head being torn off!) was hurled from the stands and caught an orc blocker right between the eyes, knocking him out cold! The orcs pushed valiantly for an equaliser, rushing up their right flank and knocking a few undead heads together on route, and even nearly managed to grab it after a werewolf miscued his block and left an orc blitzer relatively open in the back field. Eyeing up his pass, orc thrower Sweet Arm went to release a long bomb, only to be spooked by an advancing ghoul and fumble the ball! The ghoul in question took no time to scoop up the ball, push the thrower off the pitch and run in a third score at what was to be the end of the game, as another riot broke out in response to the touchdown forcing the ref' to blow the final whistle.


PF: Arni, I don't feel well. I think that drink is repeating on me? Stupid marketing team, who are they to tell me what to do?!

AS: Flabby-friend, Arnild has never seen you get mildly miffed before, let alone angry. You should not have drunk this squig piss, it's not for souls of your insufferably upbeat demeanour!

PF: Shut up, you northern trout! I'm off to see the blasted team now, no one makes a Flabbybun feel like this! RaagghHGGHHHH!!

AS: Wait for Arnild, if there is suffering to be dished out he will help, Hahah!!