Smash Of The Week II - Week 4

The Stiffbeards and Speedsters get stuck into each other

Phillipe Flabbybun: Hello and welcome viewers, to your latest instalment of Smash of the Week! After the single match that took place in our scheduled downtime the games have come in thick and fast this week, with nine teams hitting the gridiron to battle for some all important points on the league table! My partner in all things Blood Bowl, Arni, is out on location again, and joining us from the mining town of Shuttersville where the Belogrod Beards have just played the Runepitt Stealers in a true 'grudge match'. Arni, how was the ga-What in the name of Esmerelda's indigestion is going on there!?

Arnild Swoonzenorger: HAH HA! Eat my fist and fury, you bearded sack of spawn phlegm, HAH! Phillipe, is that your sickeningly chirpy voice Arnild can hear?

Phillipe: Arni, it looks like you're in a war zone! I thought you travelled to Shuttersville?!

Arnild: Arnild IS in Shuttersville, in the middle of the crowd during their post-match brawl, and Arnild is having the time of his life! Take THAT you ugly, obese, infected orcs bladder! These fans know how to celebrate a game of Bowl, Arnild will tell you! I have seem some legendary grudges get settled today! Hah, look at that dog pile!! Arnild refers to the literal pile of dogs which were catapulted into that mass of bodies! LIFE IS GOOD, HAHHHAH!!!

Phillipe: Seeing as Arni is somewhat preoccupied, let me run you through the games of the week!

Friendly - Runepitt Stealers (1) - (0) Belogrod Beards

The mosh pit hits a crescendo

We're unsure if this game between the Chaos and 'normal' Dwarfs was prearranged or occurred by chance when both teams turned up in Shuttersville, but in either case the town certainly wasn't ready for the ruck that ensued. The game was less Bowl and more Blood and quickly degenerated into a large brawl in the middle of the pitch, which encouraged the fans into forming scrums of their own which spilled out into the surrounding settlement! In fact the entire stadium became so rowdy that our Cabal-men had to levitate themselves above the game to escape the carnage! The 'Olde Grudge Match' ended as a one-nil win to the Stealers, when hobgoblin Truk Polamalu had the intelligence to ignore the violence for a moment and run the ball into the end zone. We may well have witnessed the brightest moment of Truk's life!

Orocarni Stiffbeards (2) - (1) The Undercity Speedsters
These two teams met last season, a game which resulted in a traditionally grinding two-one victory to the Stiffbeards, and the Speedsters' had turned up with revenge on their mind. They were in fact so serious about this game that they employed last season's top scorer, The Rat With No Name, but unfortunately not even this superstar could save the skaven from an identical score to that of the previous seasons. Hopes would have been high for Speedsters fans after a quickfire goal put them up on the scoreboard, but the Stiffbeards did what they do best to equalise at the end of the half; gather the ball and march it forward, knocking down all those that get in the way. Understandably the Speedsters crowd became rather 'annoyed' by what they considered to be dwarf time-wasting and within a matter of minutes a full-blown riot had kicked off and spilled onto the pitch, knocking the wind out of three players from each team. The skaven had almost managed to capitalise on this 'inconvenience' after collecting the ball whilst the Stiffbeards were still fighting away pitch invaders, but unfortunately a fumbled throw allowed the dwarfs to reclaim the ball and march to their second score and the win.

The Weirdo's runts show off their pumpkin handling skills

The Weirdos Of Farthing Wood (2) - (1) Egg Catchers
Looking to continue what seems to be a grand tour of the Middenland, the Weirdos lunged, bounced, flew, grew and shuffled their way onto the pitch this week to play the Egg Catchers, a team who I have been informed are looking to fire their match agency unless they start organising games against teams of average height! After a lot- and I mean a lot - of parading about the pitch by the beasts and creatures of the trogre team, kick-off finally occured with the Weirdos receiving. The troge play was one that we have seen before, involving an aggressive mashing of the defensive line before collecting the ball, handing it to a troge, and marching it mostly unopposed into their opponents end zone. Assuming that this game would be a push over, the Egg Catchers fury got the better of them on their receiving drive and they rushed the Weirdos before the refs whistle had been blown, but couldn't quite break cleanly enough through the defence to equalise before the break. The Bad Eggs received in the second half thinking they had dodged the imposing trogre line-out, but within a blink of an eye the trees appeared in front of the human's playmakers! Officials are looking into unlicensed teleportation as I speak. As the second half wore on the humans managed to grab a score back, but began to lose men to injury and one rather unhappy Egg Catcher's fan who lobbed a novelty egg-shaped gift rock at a lineman! Ultimately this lack of bodies cost the humans the game, and on receiving the ball the trogres managed to stomp their second goal in and win the game two to one.

Strigany Surge (2) - (1) Rhubarb Crumbles

Brad Worst does what he does best; looks dashing whilst
juggling his ball

If reports from Surge's camp are true, the vampires of the team were rather perturbed when their normal pre-match snack, opposing fans, turned out to be half the size and doubly as good at avoiding capture than their normal prey! With this in mind, when kick-off took place the vampires were looking even more pale than normal, and within the first few minutes of the game had drained three of their own thralls! This didn't stop the undead from collecting the ball and arrogantly showing off their passing skills however, and despite a desperate attempt by the Crumbles to stop Surge literally surging into their endzone nothing could be done to halt the eventual vampire touchdown. Crumble fans have grown accustom to the (limited and embarrassing) flair which their team try their very best to showcase, but were left fuming at Chewly Toffly after his showboating got the better of him! After collecting the ball on their return drive he attempted his 'famous' cartwheel pass, but sent the ball way of course and almost into the claws of the vampires! The halflings managed to regroup however, and treeman Woody Hurleson showed his stunty teammate how to pass properly by launching Bed Stockpie down field for an equaliser. The vampire team had come back to the pitch fully blooded in the second half, and on the Crumble's receiving drive took the Halflings by surprise at the whistle by launching a blitz, which ultimately resulted in a touchdown for Surge. The vampires hypnotic stares had been an issue for the Rhubarb Crumbles all game and turned out to be game winning in the end, when striker Brad Worst found himself within skipping distance to the end zone, but was denied after one of the undead managed to detach a halfling from his leg after locking eyes for a moment, and ran to block Brad and dispossess the ball at the final whistle, gifiting all three points to Strigany Surge.

Friendly - Nu Ork Jetz (1) - (2) Orocarni Stiffbeards
The veteran Stiffbeard lineup was in action twice during the weak, with head coach Bavor Thulin challenging his team to put the hours in to be title challengers this season. Facing another team from last season, Graz Da Great's Nu Ork Jetz, they are certainly beginning to show there credentials after yet another two-one victory! The match was played against a backdrop of blinding whiteness that the winter season continues to throw at us, and at kick-off both teams marched, over rather hiked, their ways onto the pitch through a foot of snow! The snow was so deep in some areas in fact that only the shiny metal helmets of the Stiffbeards could be seen popping up periodically through the drift, which was something that the troll Urrg found hillarious and turned into a game of 'whack-a-dwarf'! With their Troll on the top of his beatdown game he managed to create enough space to throw the goblin Snor up the steep snow bank which had formed in the dwarf's endzone to score what is now the highest touchdown on record! On their return drive the Stiffbeards managed to slip by the normally reliable Urrg who had now become exhausted after whacking so many Dwarfs, and managed to send himself to the injury room after running straight into a particularly angry blockers fist. Exploiting the space created, star runner Yozamri Merrytoe sprinted deep into the orks backfield and managed to score before the whistle for first half. Although the snow continued to fall the pitch gradually became more playable, as the pure white became brown mulch, which allowed the Stiffbeards to take a stranglehold of the game on their receiving drive. On gathering the ball they formed their tried and tested cage, and ground their way to a slow touchdown, not leaving the Jetz with enough time to equalise.


Phillipe: After all of that I'm almost out of breath! What a week of the Gods-Game it has been, ehy Arni?

Arnild: Hahhah, you can run but you can't hide, I will strangle you with your own helmet strap as I did you cretinous friend!! Come he- Ohh, by the grand, plaited moustaches of Strentoffph, Mother of the Nether Realm, is that... is that a chainsaw? MOVE, NOWNOWNOW, GET OUT OF ARNILD'S WAY!! 

Phillipe: It looks like the buzz of the fight has left Arni today, just as we are leaving you lovely viewers. G'night!